12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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