"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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