I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
