u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
