I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
