so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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