I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Randomize
