Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
My ATM looks so different sober.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize