I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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