They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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