How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
