She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
