I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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