see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
