i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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