Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
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