I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
