I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
