i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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