Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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