Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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