Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
