I wish I only lived at night.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
