He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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