I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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