Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
this is an emotional support booty call
he just fucked me for my cheese.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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