Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
