how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
My life is pants optional.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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