she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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