I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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