She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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