Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
