Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
