The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
