I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
