I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize