you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
