i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
