On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
