Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
