so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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