fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
