You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
