omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Randomize
