I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
