The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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