My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
