I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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