Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize