I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
