your parents love me but you hate me
I wish my penis had an off switch
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
