So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
