Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
