I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You're a waste of cheezeits
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
