i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
