it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
